This isn’t how my first semester of college was supposed to be for me.

This isn’t how my first semester of college was supposed to be for me.

I had the guy. And the friends. It was going great. I was always busy with something or someone. But I feel like I’ve lost all that. I don’t have places to go anymore. I sit alone in my room quite frequently. The guy is gone. The friends are busy with their guys that miraculously managed to stick around. I get all my homework done because I have nothing else to do. And I just sit.

I’ve noticed that making friends in college is different than any friends you’ve ever had to make before.  You don’t know these people and they don’t know you. You have to learn. They don’t understand that when you simply walk away while everyone else is laughing and having fun that maybe you just need a hug. I’m not complaining. I love my friends. I just miss having those girls that knew when something was wrong. The friends that I could talk to about my fears and failures. I miss my best friend. So much. She knows me better than anyone else on this planet. And I’m not saying someone here can’t learn. But it was nice just having someone there all the time that already knew me and therefore didn’t think I was crazy when I felt alone or pathetic.

Maybe tonight was just a bad night. Or this week? I’m an optimist. I’m hopeful for tomorrow. I realize I’m only an eighth of the way through my college career. I realize its not too late to change things. My parents tell me all the time to get involved, join a sorority, join clubs, go out with friends, go to parties and meet new people. I wasn’t involved in high school. Yeah, I was in band and theatre but I wasn’t little miss joiner and I’m certainly not now. I’m not the sorority type. I’m not the kind of person that goes out and does things all the time. Maybe its because I’ve kind of been forced to adapt with being sick all the time, but I love just sitting on the couch and watching a movie. With friends mind you. Its not quite the same alone. Watching obscene amounts of Grey’s Anatomy on a daily basis just isn’t as acceptable when you’re doing it alone.

I think I’m rambling. I’ve forgotten my point, if I even had one.

I guess my point is that I’m lonely. And I feel like I’m drowning. Like I might just disappear if someone or something doesn’t catch me. Wow thats really unhappy. Like I said, I’m an optimist. I’m hopeful for tomorrow. But tonight I just feel blue.