Earlier today I had a thousand brilliant ideas despite my sleep deprived state. Funny articles I could write, movie and joke ideas, and maybe even some parody lyrics all rolling around in my head. So, I sat and ate potato chips while i tried to stare through the static on the tv to watch the last third of Back to the Future Part 2. The room was freshly painted and the smell was oppressive despite the best efforts to keep the door propped to make the air breathable. Why did I do that instead of race to my computer or notebook to jot down my brilliant ideas?
I don’t know. Now that I’ve sat down to actually try to write something funny, I’m blank. Maybe I’m not in the same frame of mind. Maybe the two hours of stand-up comedy I just listened to is still floating around my head, muscling out my original ideas while making me laugh. Maybe I’m just way too tired. Last night was one of those nights, the kind where you wake up several times and chug as much water as you can before crawling back into bed.
Word of advice: if you’re not done for the night, don’t walk out of the bar/club for any reason. Getting in a second time is much harder than the first time.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to deal with how my mind empties itself as soon as I sit down at my computer. I think of professor of mine once said to just keep writing. No matter what. If you have no ideas, start copying down a book until you get so bored your brain just starts generating ideas so it doesn’t get lost.
The catch is that you need to be functional mentally. The difficulty level for everything goes up when you haven’t slept, have had too much to drink, are nervous or anxious, or have to go to the bathroom. But if you do have to go to the bathroom and you have inspiration, try to get it all out (your ideas, don’t be gross) before you head for the bathroom. Never put it off.
Lately I’ve been wondering about what I’m going to do post college. If grad school, which one? If a job, what kind? I don’t want to be a regular adult, to “sell out” as some slackers might say. The 9 to 5, “slaves with white collars” (see Fight Club), a tie that feels like noose (I’m CERTAIN I’m not the first to make that grim observation, way too obvious), I hope that’s never me.
Here’s a secret I confided to a friend recently (and by posting it here, I am perhaps making that confession far less meaningful…): part of me hopes to never graduate college. I’m not saying I want to stay in college forever, because I don’t. I want to build my own, real life. Sure you get to live away from home in college and make your own decisions, but you don’t pay bills like in the real world or get your food the way people get it (I feel a little dirty even claiming that there’s such a thing as “the real world,” but that might be blog for another day). Focusing…
I don’t want to graduate college because I want to be successful (again, one of those words that should have quotes around that makes me feel a little dirty) before I can. I want a job I love so much that I put my education on hold, hopefully forever. I want to do stand-up at a comedy club and have some executive tell me I could tour the country or have a tv special. I want to sell a screenplay and get enough cash so I can focus on that entirely. Part of it is a cop out, I want to avoid saying “I have this degree, I better start using it.” I could always say I’m just doing whatever I’m doing for as long as it works out and if it doesn’t I can run back to school. An incomplete education is a pass to avoid feeling like I’ve started on real adulthood. It could be the other way though, that I’m just so eager to be successful that school is just in my way (despite it having been a great, defining experience for me. Scratch the word defining, I define me. Replace it with… a less intense word? I don’t know). Instead of knowing I’d definitely be in Redlands a year and a half from now, I’d know I could be anywhere I wanted. That’s kind of liberating. Signing up for 4 years of school seems kind of ridiculous to me sometimes. I don’t know what I want to do next weekend, how could I ever know if I won’t get sick of that place before a year and a half from now. I get sick of some movies 15 minutes in. It’s a big commitment, I’m sure you’ve all gotten it by now. One more example first though: deciding where to study abroad is an important decision because you’re deciding where you’re going to live and learn and work for 5 months of your life, time you’ll never get back. Getting into college is making that decision 6-8 times (depending on whether or not you study abroad and for how long. Yes, I’m aware you could transfer, shut up.) all at once. When you’re younger and less sure. Well, sometimes I feel like I was less sure then, but sometimes I feel just as uncertain as I did then.
That’s another part of why I don’t want to graduate. Once I have a degree in something, I’ll feel like I’ll need to use it. I’ll be locked into doing whatever I happened to be interested in when I was 20. That may not be the whole truth about the situation, but that’s what it can feel like. I smashed psychology, sociology, and humor together into a hippy degree out of necessity, they seem to be things I’ve always been interested in, constants. Although, I do love to learn about everything (I hate the work, but I wanna know how to do chemistry, or design a bridge, or compose a symphony, and maybe someday I’ll learn how), but those things more than the others. Part of why humor is in there is because I’m pretty sure I can never be unhappy if it’s my job to think about funny things. Funny things keep me happy, thus I might as well immerse myself.
I want my degree, but as long as I don’t have it, I can’t be a screw-up, and that’s a nice immunity to have (although, just because you have a good immune system, it doesn’t mean you can take a spill down some stairs). My mom is pretty good about reminding me that I have the summer after I graduate to get myself together before I’m out on the streets. She’s not being mean, she’s just afraid I’ll get complacent, and to be honest, I’m a little afraid of that too.
One of my biggest fears is that I’ll settle my way to being miserable. I’m not sure if it’s a weakness I’ve realized about myself, or if it’s something my dad put in my head over the years, or if it’s that episode of Boy Meets World I saw when I was 12. I’m terrified my plan B’s will pile up until I’m somewhere I never intended to be. I can never settle for less. Hell, I who knows if I’ll ever feel settled anyways? I’m not saying people should be jerks and completely uncompromising, because there are some things you don’t want to do that you gotta do. Just be careful, about what you settle for and why.
Whenever someone tells me they want to do something or quit some job my immediate response is always, “do it. Do it right now.” Sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do but if it becomes a habit you might get stuck so strike while the iron is hot! Quit because you want to and make a better life for yourself. Sounds irrational, but it’s better than waking up 20 years later angry. I’ve always liked this Michael Caine quote:
“I started with the firm conviction that when I came to the end, I wanted to be regretting the things that I had done, not the things I hadn’t.”
It makes sense. If you think too hard about it, you’ll miss the point. I know I should write more jokes, and movies, and articles. I shouldn’t have passed on that burst of inspiration earlier tonight. Actually, that reminds me of a few things Jerry Seinfeld said in the documentary Comedian. He talks about how he would only write jokes when he was inspired until he saw some construction workers one day. Their lunch break ended and they trudged back to work a job they don’t even like. They do that every day for hours. Jerry realized there was no reason he couldn’t put that amount of dedication into the comedy he loved, so he started writing jokes even when he wasn’t inspired. If you want to be good, you have work at it. Period.
Here’s a clip from the documentary I particularly enjoy.
If this is something I really want, I need to work at it. Obviously. I should be writing as many jokes and articles and movies as possible. I need to go out into the world, do shows at seedy comedy clubs and pitch screenplays to cocaine filled studio executives. But for this exact moment in time, I’m awfully worn out and could use a little relaxation. I’m going to say the most dangerous words ever, words that lead to settling, but I’m confident I’ll make it. I’ll start tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
